You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
