Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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