Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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