My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's shark week go big or go home
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
