Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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