think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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