I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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