DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
