Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
