I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
