State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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