I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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