Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
