All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
