I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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