im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
