my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
