Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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