new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
