So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
