what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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