it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
A+ Viking dick
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
