Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
