Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
