Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
