Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
