My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
