So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
