Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
