I wish my penis had an off switch
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
