I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
