his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
