That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I need a beard to bite.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
