Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
