apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
