I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
