its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
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