I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
