Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think people are normalizing furries
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
