Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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