One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
