Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
