I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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