Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
