I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
