Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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