yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
