Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
