mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
