Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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